Emotions got the best of me.

My emotions/feelings are out of control. I can't help it. I'm frustrated,depressed,angry and stressed..and I'm at my boiling point. Its Easter, and I'm in the library, 'studying' for a test, that I may possibly fail. My cousin and her boyfriend came over for dinner along with my other cousin and his stupid free loading friends, I'm in no mood to' sit and chat' , laugh and smile and pretend like everything is all good, so here I am, 'studying'. Its kinda funny how they  come running to aunties house for food, but didn't bother to check on her when she fell.
Sometimes I can't stand my family members. They only call or email/txt  when they need something, other than that most of them seemingly don't give a hoot.


 Hair  doesn't define a person, but if thats the case, why then, do I feel so ugly?
Why do I feel like I'm losing a battle here? Why do I feel so alone
Is my faith in God not enough? Is he testing me? Is this a punishment or a joke?
I'm afraid to sleep because of a mysterious force that holds me down when I try to get up. I can't move my body, and I can't move my mouth.

Yesterday, I cried. For the first time in a long time. To the point where my eyes were red and I got a headache.
Everyday, I watch the curly little hairs on my head, fall  to the ground. silent and nonchalant. I'm at square one again. I don't have a terminal illness, and for that I am grateful. I can only vent on here or in my journal.

I have an Anatomy exam tommorow. All I want to do is lay down and cry and forget about the exam.
But crying won't help anything. It won't bring my hair back. It wont help me on the exam either.



Y'know, throwing my hands in the air would be and could be much better. Because right now, I could care less. Left to me, I would cut off all communication with so called friends and family members...and on Easter Sunday of all days.

At least my little cousins don't call me 'baldy' anymore. At least my other cousins don't bother asking, which is better because I don't want to hear : 'its only hair', or 'it will grow back...

I'll put on a smiley face  for the coming weeks, just like I always do.
Just to get by.

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My brother came home 2 weekends ago. It felt like its been ages since I last saw him. The car was full of laughter as usual, while Wande Coal's " Kiss your hand"  blasting and the three of us were shouting/singing along to it, almost sounding like a kid bop commerical lmao. Those moments are some of the best moments I have with my siblings, and  my dad  would say " enjoy the years you have with your siblings because a few years from now you'll only be getting a phone call or a visit once or twice a year". I kinda tear up at the thought now that I think about it; My brother could be in California or some warm state since he hates the cold, I could be in Belize or Nigeria or Paris or somewhere like that and my sister in New York. Knowing my brother, he would probably only call once or twice, most likely because he needs something or because hes injured him self and doesn't know what to put on the cut...I don't think he does this on purpose but hes painfuly quiet. You can ask him five questions and his response will be: uhuh, yea, no, ok. But once he starts with his pidgin? you can't get him to shut up. He's always adding 'oh' to the end of his sentences or 'ehen, you see it"? or starting his sentences with 'omo, or oga'. He's taught almost everyone on his team how to greet my dad in pidgin ( or anyone for that matter) and they all say " oga, how far" in which my father replies 'you are a mumu'...smh...his pidgin is improving though lol...his favorite Nigerian name to say ( for reasons unbeknownst to the rest of us) is tolulope...I guess he watches too many t-boy videos ( the don't jealous me dude)

My aunt took a nasty fall yesterday. She was going down stairs trying to turn off the dryer, and fell. Her clavicle popped out of its socket, and the EMTs/police/ firefighters came because she couldnt move. I felt bad, mostly because I or my sister should have been there to help her do whatever she needed to do, but we were at a car auction. She can never sit still. Shes either washing dishes or cooking or folding clothes and what not.




I've sent in all my applications for my schools except one, I'm hoping against hope, I get in and away from here.




My hair's been falling out like crazy. Its makes me depressed, but I can't cry. I'm all cried out. I'm used to the whole process: Fall out, grow back, fall out,grow back..its not like anyone actually cares especially not my family members except my mom & aunt, because afterall its just hair.The warm weather is back...and I'm not  looking foreward to the weather when it hits 80+....




America., has once again succeeded in making a Christian holiday, commericalized ( bunnies, eggs etc) kids didn't have school on Friday ( Good friday) because of a holiday most of them don't know the meaning of or even celebrate. Do they  assume everyone is a catholic/christian though? Why don't kids have no school on the hindu holidays? 


Happy Easter everyone.